I had just turned 30 years old 6 months prior, a milestone I was so thrilled to reach. I told myself, “30 is going to be my best year yet. After all the hardships I endured during my 20’s, now is my time to make my life exactly what I want it to be.” I had been feeling a strange sensation in my breast every now and then but did not think anything of it and I unfortunately was not doing self-exams like every woman should be. Eventually, a golf sized lump came to my attention, but still, without having any family history of breast cancer and being so young, cancer was so far off my radar. All my friends and family I spoke to have their own lumps before in their life which all turned out to be benign cysts or tissue. Eventually, my mom insisted I make an appointment with my gynecologist and sent for an ultrasound. Three days later I received great news, it was adipose tissue! I went on with my life for three days, until the PA at my gynecologist’s office called me and suggested that I get it biopsied “just to be certain.” Benign adipose tissue just was not sitting right with her. That PA saved my life.
I was in the locker room at work changing into my scrubs with one of my closest coworkers. I got a phone call from a number I did not recognize. I had my phone on speaker as we heard the words “You have cancer.” I do not remember much from that day besides leaving work to walk to Penn Station, on the phone with my best friend, asking her over and over how I was going to tell my parents that their daughter has cancer. The rest of that day was a blur and one of the worst days of mine and my parents’ life.
To say the next few weeks were a whirlwind in an understatement. Everyone responds to traumatic events differently, but I am so grateful that when my Fight or Flight kicked in, it was Fight that took over. The first month or so was by far the most overwhelming and stressful part of my entire journey. From 7am till the moment I went to sleep, I spent my days researching my diagnosis: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with a tumor of 4.3 cm that was hormone negative, but HER2 positive, which was growing at an extremely rapid rate. My plan was to receive chemotherapy first followed by surgery with the potential for more chemo and/or radiation after. Because my cancer was so aggressive, I truly did not have any time to waste. I was about to start my chemotherapy in 2 weeks, but all I could think about was how my chance at having a family and children. I was single, no kids, and now faced with the reality that I may not ever be able to have children and besides that I thought “Who would want to be with someone who had breast cancer anyways?” Still, I did everything in my power to use those two weeks to complete an egg retrieval through IVF. I had my eggs retrieved 2 days before my first Chemo.
This may sound silly, but one of the absolute best things I did for myself was join TikTok. There is an ENORMOUS community of women both going through breast cancer and those that beat it, so ready and willing to give advice and support to anyone they could. I reached out to so many people and they truly taught me so much, informed me of things I never would have even considered, I spoke to people who had various treatment plans, all different surgeries, and in hindsight I can confidently say I owe the incredible women across TikTok for all the knowledge and tips that helped me better navigate my Breast Cancer journey.
In my real life, I received overwhelming support from friends, family, and co-workers. Strength comes in numbers, and while I often hear how “strong I am,” I know that I would be nothing without having had all of them in my corner. I am so thankful for the tremendous support during this time in my life. That is why I always talk so much about TikTok and support groups of all kinds because those are available to everyone, and I feel that the positive impact they will have on your journey is truly underestimated. My coworkers organized a team to walk with me in my very first Making Strides Breast Cancer Walk in Central Park and seeing all the women there, talking to and meeting so many people, was extremely empowering. Moving back home with my parents during this process was a blessing. They both dedicated their entire life, every single day to do anything and everything they could to make me as comfortable as possible and keep both my physical health and mental health a priority. My mom would spend hours online looking up foods and recipes that would help whichever lab value I had off that week, and my dad and I started a tradition walking every day to keep my spirits so I would not get depressed. He walked with me every day to help me keep my spirits up and not get depressed. I do not know if I would’ve had anywhere near the same strength that I did if it was not for them.
I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to overcome this. I knew there was the life I always dreamed of waiting for me on the other side, and there was absolutely no way I was going to let my parents experience their worst nightmare if I had anything to do with it. I have young nieces whose lives I was determined to watch unfold and to be there for. There were still so many things I wanted to achieve in my career. I am a nurse with a passion for helping others and I dream of going on more medical mission trips around the world.
I feel so incredibly lucky for the team of doctors and surgeons I had who saved my life. My oncologist Dr. Douglas Marks, my Breast surgeon Dr Zhanna Logman, and of course the incredible Dr. Kilgo who blessed me with a body that allowed me to maintain my womanhood, even after receiving a double mastectomy. It can be absolutely terrifying looking online at all the different surgical outcomes and the stereotypical ways women look after mastectomies. All are valid and beautiful because at the end of the day, the way our breasts look would not matter if we did not have our lives. Today I am the most confident I have ever been. I feel incredibly lucky to have Dr. Kilgo’s incredible work, my outlook on life has shifted in the best way possible. As cliché as it is, you really do realize how important it is not to sweat the small stuff, to make the most of every single day and to be kind to others always because you NEVER know what someone is going through.
Now, I wish I could go back and hug the girl who thought her life was over after having a diagnosis of cancer. I wish I could tell her to just hold on a little longer because everything you want, and more is coming your way. I am now completely cancer free, in a happy and loving relationship with a wonderful man who sees my history of breast cancer and all my scars as one of the most “badass” things about me as he would say. I am constantly reminding myself to do all the things I want to do and make the most out of my life, which I am! I am back to work, back to doing what I love and now have an incredibly special story to bond with patients who have been through something similar. While I do not wish cancer on anyone, I cannot help but feel that mine was a blessing in disguise.
